Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Too much gin, very little bucket
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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