I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
