The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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