dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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