Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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