Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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