IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
