Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
