the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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