my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
