Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
