I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
