I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
sarcasm needs its own font
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
