i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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