One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
