Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
