you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
