in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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