he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
