ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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