dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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