I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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