between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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