what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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