He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
