1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
