Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
