i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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