Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
