Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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