just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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