yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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