My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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