just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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