all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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