I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
