I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
