My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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