ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
