Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
