If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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