I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
