My liver just broke up with me...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
