I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
