I'm going to jail i love you
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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