Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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