that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
