the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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