my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
