Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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