i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
