I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
