apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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