Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
