2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
